I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
There's always time for handjobs
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
