i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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