In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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