o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
