I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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