it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
