it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize