I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
