I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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