I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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