I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
