have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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