Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
