Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
