Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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