i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
