Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
