dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
