when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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