mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
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