Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
