I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
