wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
