Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
