I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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