The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
