i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
