This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
