I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
