Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
