he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
