Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
