she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize