She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join