As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
