I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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