Betty ford says i'm here all night
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
