PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
