You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
