They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
