is your mom at the bar?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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