I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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