Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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