I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
