Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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