1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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