umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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