The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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