I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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