I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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