The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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