Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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