I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
