Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
