'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
