In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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